“I got 99 problems and they’re all YOUR fault mum”
Happy Saturday to meeeee! Groan!
Now I know kids all expect their parents to be some sort of superhero that is capable of moving mountains to please them, and I am all for mountain-moving, but can we please keep it after 10am?
This is what I have been blamed for pre-930am this morning
1. The DVD player isn’t working anymore. It’s 12 years old, but still a surprise as worked ok yesterday. 5yr old son absolutely devastated that he cannot watch his DVD. Tantrum ensues, “but can’t you just fix it muuummmm”, he wails. No son, I really can’t, it won’t even switch on. Apparently that is not good enough and I should be able to fix it right now, and if I can’t I need to drive to the shops and purchase a new one. Now. NOW! Needless to say that’s not happening!
2. 8yr old daughter is on her iPod looking at Shopkins (see my toy fad blog if you don’t know what a shopkin is, but I warn you now, you can’t un-know once you know and its not pretty!). The Wifi (or wee-fee as the kids call it) is running really slowly this morning. The page won’t load. “Muuuuuuuuuuum the internet isn’t working”. I explain its just on a go-slow, a bit like mummy is before 9am. Apparently that is not acceptable and she tells me that its because her iPod is “crap” and she needs an iPhone 6 because they work better. Kid, even I don’t have an iPhone 6, dream on! Said daughter now sulking in her room.
3. The 5yr old wants to wear shorts, because it was 27 degrees on Wednesday and he wore them then. I explain that its only going to b 10 degrees today – too cold to wear shorts. “Just make it hotter then” is his request. Dude, if I could control the weather I would make it 27 and sunny PERMANENTLY! Sadly weather-control abilities are outside of even a mother’s remit.
4. “Why isn’t it Wednesday today”? Yes apparently I should also be able to control the days of the week. The boy is desperately waiting for Wednesday as he is due to start swimming lessons at school in PE and he is just astronomically excited. Shame the little turd didn’t get so excited when me and his dad were forking out a small fortune for lessons that he just dicked about in! Trust me, if I could control the days of the week I might just make it a school day every single day – forever!!!
5. “I don’t want to wait”… for anything! Well kid, life sucks and sometimes we have to wait. I have to wait and eat my food cold whilst I sort yours out first. I have to wait to buy the clothes I need cos invariably you always need something first. I have to wait to drink my cup of tea because you need help with whatever you are doing. I even have to wait to have a pee when I am desperate and you and your sister decide you need to go first! Patience is apparently a virtue, but I’m not feeling too virtuous about it to be honest!
6. The passing of time is apparently my fault too. Every time we are getting ready to go out, neither of the kids understand the concept of time or lateness. “But mum I want to complete the rest of this level/chapter/finish watching my tv show” and I re-iterate on a daily basis that we have to leave when we have to leave or we will be late. And this morning as I was taking the kids to see something at the cinema that they wanted to see you would have thought that would have been enough to encourage them to get their arses into gear? Hell no! Even 15-minute warnings don’t work. “But can’t they just push pause at the cinema”… oh to be a kid that thinks they are the centre of the whole world rather than just my world. Seriously, if I could affect time passing I would have slowed it down a long time ago. The bags under my eyes and wrinkles forming on my face are testament to the fact that time control is well beyond my control.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that my kids believe that I am super-mum, and that I am capable of doing everything and anything for them. I love the fact that they have that innocence about them, and I hate letting them down, but man I am fed up of having to explain to them repeatedly that there are some things that, not matter how hard they wail, scream, kick, cry and moan, I simply cannot do anything about!
Frazzled mummy, out!