funny

The Bantam’s Bedtime Story

 
This.is.awesome!!  

5 things I have been busted at this month….

cute-kitten-meme-generator-busted-must-act-adorable-8602c7

Disclaimer: I do NOT like cats (Sorry feline lovers!), but this meme best sums up how I felt each time I was busted doing something embarrassing …. and its only the third of February!

1. BUSTED – singing and dancing along to a song in the car.

Worst still it wasn’t just any song. I was listening to the latest “Now That’s What I Call Disney” and pulled up a set of red lights. You know what its like when a song you really like, or just an annoyingly catchy tune suddenly comes on the stereo. Well of course it was the flavour of the moment – “Let it Go” from Frozen. My kids have watched it a gazillion times and my daughter even had “Elsa” at her recent birthday party. So of course I know all the words and start screeching my little socks off, flinging my arms about snow-queen stylee. Without realising it, a double decker bus had pulled alongside and half a dozen amused faces were staring at me, gawping and giggling. Predictably I burned rubber as soon as the lights when green!

2. BUSTED – doing the moves to “Hot Stuff” in the supermarket.

You know the film – “The Full Monty”, and the famous bit where the men are standing in the queue for their giros when “Hot Chocolate” comes on the radio and they start shaking their stuff like they practised for their routine. Well I was in a local well known supermarket when the same song came on the radio. My feet acted of my own accord I swear they did. I wasn’t even in the queue but down the fridge section. Perhaps people will think I was just trying to keep warm…. but probably not!

3. BUSTED – doing my fitness dvd in just a sports bra and shorts (only a good thing if you are a size 10!)

I take comfort in the fact that our lounge is at the back of the house, which in turn overlooks the side of the hill on which our house is built. There are a couple of houses lower than us, but I have never really seen anyone looking out of the windows much as they don’t have a view of anything other than the back of the houses on our street. This morning I was doing my belly blitz dvd, sweating away and huffing and puffing when I saw someone leaning out the window of the house below ours looking at the snow – and then at me as I did my jumping jacks! I’m not sure who is more scarred for life – me or her!

4. BUSTED – pretending to talk on my mobile

You know what it’s like when you are trying to walk down the high street and you are constantly harassed by people selling stuff, offering to claim back your PPI, asking if you have been in an accident or if you would like to adopt a snow leopard! Sometimes, when you are in a hurry you just want to avoid them all. So I pulled the age old trick of pretending to be on the phone so I could just shake my head at them and carry on walking. It was going epically well until I got to the stand where the guys were trying to flog Paintballing experiences – and I realised I had made a crucial error – I had forgotten to put my phone on silent! And despite having rung only twice all day, it picked then to start trilling out the Mario theme tune (my current ringtone, yes I am so retro!). Of course I had to pull my phone away from my ear whilst the paintballing lad smirked at me and started to try and collar me into “giving up 5 minutes to chat about paintball”. I wanted to shake him, dude do I LOOK like the paintballing sort?! I have a feeling the rhetoric would have been lost on him though!

5. Not farting, but sounding like it – during a smear test!

I would say this has to be the most embarrassing, but the female contingent of my readership have probably been there. That moment when you slide your bare arse off of the bench/bed thingy after a smear test and you move off of the paper but catch the edge of the plastic coated couch. Your skin sort of sticks and as you pull it away it emits a noise that sounds a lot like a burst of a fart. Do you explain it really wasn’t or do you just leave it?! Luckily I have a great relationship with my nurse so we were able to laugh it off, but I have a suspicion I was still beetroot red at the time!

I’m not entirely sure that these experiences bode well for the rest of Feb, or maybe I am getting all the cringe-worthiness out of the way early! We will see!

Once upon a time…. a true life revenge story

WARNING!!! If you don’t like anything gross please look away now!!!!

Are you sitting comfortably? If you are eating you may want to come back to this later.

Once upon a time there was a 20-something female, we will call her Delilah. She was dating a lovely man called Jim and they had been seeing eachother for nearly 4 months and were very much in love. Jim shared a house with an old friend from school who, for reasons unbeknown to either of them, didn’t seem to like Delilah very much. The housemate, known only as Steve just in case he ever reads this, owned the house and was very particular about things being his way.

Delilah often stayed over at Jim’s house, and so after a few weeks of sleeping over approximately 2 nights a week, she asked Jim if she could leave a toothbrush in the bathroom for convenience. Jim had no problem with this and so Delilah left her toothbrush with his in the bathroom, only for it to mysteriously disappear the next time she visited. So she left another toothbrush behind, only for the phantom toothbrush fairy to take that too.

Delilah was a little upset by this point, but accepted that Steve aka the toothbrush fairy had decided that it wasn’t her place to leave a toothbrush in the shared bathroom. Delilah thought it was a little over the top, seeing as Jim lived there too, but let it go.

One Saturday evening Delilah arranged to go out with some girlfriends to a local nightclub and asked Jim to pick her up after and she would sleep at his house as they planned to spend Sunday together. Jim told her that would be fine but they would have to grab a shower at Delilah’s in the morning as there was no water at his house owing to broken mains pipe. So off she went, tottering down the high street in her 6 inch heels. Obviously numerous drinks were consumed, the majority of them being Jack Daniels and coke.

2am soon rolled around and Delilah, rather worse for wear, was collected and taken back to Jim’s house. By 230am she knew she had an awful sicky, pukey feeling in her belly. Whilst she usually drank like a fish and was fine, she wasn’t used to Jack Daniels. Delilah stumbled to the bathroom and glanced around wildly, she couldn’t flush the toilet, what was she going to do?

Her stomach gurgled and she gripped the sides of the sink as she violently chundered mouthfuls of black, stale jack and coke puke into the sink. She retched and spewed for 20 minutes until her stomach was empty and the sink was well and truly blocked. As she wiped the sheen of sweat from her forehead she looked around for something, anything to unblock the sink and like a typical man’s bathroom it was devoid of any objects of use. Then she happened to glance upon Steve’s toothbrush glinting white and bright in the moonlight…..

After sleeping soundly all night, Delilah awoke the next morning with a raging hangover. Waking Jim, they immediately grabbed their clothes and left the house, walking past the bathroom to the definite sounds of Steve slowly but surely brushing his teeth……..