mum

Why I hate being a parent #1

Today I hate being a parent. In fact, the truth is there are lots of days I hate being a parent and anyone that isn’t full of bullshit will attest to the fact that there are lots of days that the bad parts of parenting outweigh the good. That’s why I have titled this one #1… I fully expect there to be many more to follow.

So why do I hate being a parent today I hear you ask. Simply because, I feel like shit. This morning I woke up with a bit of a sore throat, but generally didn’t feel too bad. And this morning was great, I took the kids and my friends daughter to the cinema. The kids were brilliantly behaved and enjoyed the film. Life was grand.

However since coming home my sore throat has turned into a throat full of razor blades, a painful head full of cotton wool, a stiff neck, aching legs and a desire to curl up on the sofa under a blanket and sleep. However I am mum, and mum is not allowed to be sick.

To be honest I don’t feel like this often. Do you know how I know? Because when I ask my kids to sit quietly this afternoon and either read/play on tech/watch a film, they look at me like I have an alien crawling out of my head. At this point I don’t have the energy to check if I actually have.

I hate being a parent because you aren’t allowed to be ill. Within the last 5 minutes alone I have asked the kids to keep the noise down no less than 14 times. Yes they are sitting down playing together but do they have to shriek like a banshee whilst they are doing it? Invariably one of them will annoy the other and I will have to intervene and stretch my already breaking voice to shout at them to leave eachother the hell alone.

Worse still, I am a self-employed parent, which means I can’t take time off work when I am sick either. I have multiple deadlines to meet within the next few days, and I am currently harnessing the creativity and motivation of a dung beetle.

So that, ladies, gentlemen and fellow owners of small, feral creatures (aka kids), is why I hate being a parent today. hey, at least I’m honest about it!

 

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I got 99 problems and they’re all YOUR fault mum!

99 problems

“I got 99 problems and they’re all YOUR fault mum”

Happy Saturday to meeeee! Groan!

Now I know kids all expect their parents to be some sort of superhero that is capable of moving mountains to please them, and I am all for mountain-moving, but can we please keep it after 10am?

This is what I have been blamed for pre-930am this morning

1. The DVD player isn’t working anymore. It’s 12 years old, but still a surprise as worked ok yesterday. 5yr old son absolutely devastated that he cannot watch his DVD. Tantrum ensues, “but can’t you just fix it muuummmm”, he wails. No son, I really can’t, it won’t even switch on. Apparently that is not good enough and I should be able to fix it right now, and if I can’t I need to drive to the shops and purchase a new one. Now. NOW! Needless to say that’s not happening!

2. 8yr old daughter is on her iPod looking at Shopkins (see my toy fad blog if you don’t know what a shopkin is, but I warn you now, you can’t un-know once you know and its not pretty!). The Wifi (or wee-fee as the kids call it) is running really slowly this morning. The page won’t load. “Muuuuuuuuuuum the internet isn’t working”. I explain its just on a go-slow, a bit like mummy is before 9am. Apparently that is not acceptable and she tells me that its because her iPod is “crap” and she needs an iPhone 6 because they work better. Kid, even I don’t have an iPhone 6, dream on! Said daughter now sulking in her room.

3. The 5yr old wants to wear shorts, because it was 27 degrees on Wednesday and he wore them then. I explain that its only going to b 10 degrees today – too cold to wear shorts. “Just make it hotter then” is his request. Dude, if I could control the weather I would make it 27 and sunny PERMANENTLY! Sadly weather-control abilities are outside of even a mother’s remit.

4. “Why isn’t it Wednesday today”? Yes apparently I should also be able to control the days of the week. The boy is desperately waiting for Wednesday as he is due to start swimming lessons at school in PE and he is just astronomically excited. Shame the little turd didn’t get so excited when me and his dad were forking out a small fortune for lessons that he just dicked about in! Trust me, if I could control the days of the week I might just make it a school day every single day – forever!!!

5. “I don’t want to wait”… for anything! Well kid, life sucks and sometimes we have to wait. I have to wait and eat my food cold whilst I sort yours out first. I have to wait to buy the clothes I need cos invariably you always need something first. I have to wait to drink my cup of tea because you need help with whatever you are doing. I even have to wait to have a pee when I am desperate and you and your sister decide you need to go first! Patience is apparently a virtue, but I’m not feeling too virtuous about it to be honest!

6. The passing of time is apparently my fault too. Every time we are getting ready to go out, neither of the kids understand the concept of time or lateness. “But mum I want to complete the rest of this level/chapter/finish watching my tv show” and I re-iterate on a daily basis that we have to leave when we have to leave or we will be late. And this morning as I was taking the kids to see something at the cinema that they wanted to see you would have thought that would have been enough to encourage them to get their arses into gear? Hell no! Even 15-minute warnings don’t work. “But can’t they just push pause at the cinema”… oh to be a kid that thinks they are the centre of the whole world rather than just my world. Seriously, if I could affect time passing I would have slowed it down a long time ago. The bags under my eyes and wrinkles forming on my face are testament to the fact that time control is well beyond my control.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that my kids believe that I am super-mum, and that I am capable of doing everything and anything for them. I love the fact that they have that innocence about them, and I hate letting them down, but man I am fed up of having to explain to them repeatedly that there are some things that, not matter how hard they wail, scream, kick, cry and moan, I simply cannot do anything about!

Frazzled mummy, out!

Half Term Week

HTRoman HTLiv

Hello lovelies!

Just a quick update as I have mostly taken this week off blogging due to it being Half Term. For those not familiar with half-time its basically a week off school in the middle of the term for the teachers to recover, drink wine, and plan the next part of the terms lessons!

So yes, I have mostly taken this week off of writing as I have had my small people at home to look after/referee! And this is what we have done…

Last Friday: the kids had an extra day off owing to a staff skiving(training) day so my mum and I took them to the local pool for a morning of swimming, loosely translated as drowning eachother!

Saturday: hubby had a rare day off work so we took the kids to the kids club cinema in the morning to watch Penguins of Madagascar.

Sunday: I always take the kids to visit their nanna and granddad (my parents) for the day! Hubby went fishing after work!

Monday: We met a friend and her kids at the local park in the afternoon

Tuesday: We went with other friends to the cinema to see “Big Hero 6”, did some shopping, then went to a family birthday party

Wednesday: Eldest munchkin had the dentist, we were supposed to go to the park in the afternoon but lots of naughty behaviour meant that the kids had to miss out and stayed in instead! (Mean mummy!)

Thursday: Hubby took the day off again. I took our daughter to the salon in the morning for her bi-annual hair cut, and we visited our sis-in-law and eldest/youngest niece in the afternoon!

Today: I am taking the kids to the cinema (again) this time Cineworld where they do kids club tickets of old films for £1.50 each – a bargain for 2hrs of entertainment!

Tomorrow I will mostly be making the kids do their homework!

Sunday the pre-tween has a birthday party to go to whilst the boy & I visit the grandparents again!

I bet you are thrilled now you read all that aren’t you!

This week has actually gone very quickly – apart from Wednesday which was the day I spent more time refereeing than any other day!

Hopefully next week I can get back to my regularly scheduled blogging a little more, although I have a maths exam to revise for and also some work has come in that will be requiring some attention!

Hope those of you who have had this week with your kids have survived!

One mum’s sleep deprivation….

sleep

Before I start this – and you all hate me – let me just say I know some of you – the mothers with young babies who are still feeding through the night, the parents with toddlers who still don’t sleep through – will think the story I am about to tell is next to nothing in terms of sleep deprivation. No, compared to some of you it isn’t, but I have also been in your shoes. You can’t have two children without some degree of sleep deprivation – unless you can afford a live-in nanny or a chloroform factory!

I was very lucky with my daughter who, at three weeks old, started sleeping through the night. You can imagine our panic waking up at 6am and wondering why the hell she hadn’t woken, only to be greeted with a little snore escaping her moses basket. Touch wood she has mostly always been an excellent sleeper. However we weren’t so lucky with my son who didn’t regularly sleep through the night til he was around 3 and a half! He isn’t 5 for another couple of months, so the lack of sleep is still very fresh in my mind.

So a couple of nights ago I went to bed around 11pm, my usual time. I can’t do “early nights”, I really can’t. I fall asleep in front of the telly, but as soon as I go up to bed I can’t drop back off, so I usually read in the bath for a bit to relax my mind so I can get some kip. So yes, I went to bed as normal. The 4yr old woke up at 4am because he had had a nightmare – he is going through a bit of a clingy phase – and so after 10/15mins of trying to settle him I relented and took him into bed with us for a little bit. We have a king-size bed, but even that is not big enough with two adults and a 4yr old that sleeps like a starfish! Hubby remained oblivious of course, hadn’t even realised that our son had come into our bed, but then he wouldn’t as son decided to sleep mostly on my side of the bed, leaving me clinging to the edge of the mattress for dear life.

We must have dozed back off because I woke up with a start just before 5am when my head started to slip off the bed. I remembered son was still in our bed – now snoring soundly – so I decided to move him back to his own bed when I worked out what the noise was. Our 8yr old daughter was awake with a dvd on in her room – at 455am! Needless to say she was swiftly told to turn it off and go back to sleep. She hadn’t thought to check the time when she woke up, just put a dvd on like she usually does weekend mornings.

By the time I got back to sleep it was nearly 520am, and to add insult to injury, both kids – who hadn’t been getting up til at least 7am all week – decided they were up for the day at 555am!

kidsbed

Oh and of course it was my day to get up with them. Hubby and I take it in turns to get up with the kids at weekends, but because hubby works, our version of a lay-in is til 830am max! So hubby got a glorious few more hours asleep whilst I attempted to prevent WW3 breaking out in the living room!

As I said, I know this isn’t much sleep deprivation compared to some of you, but when your kids have started sleeping through it comes as a real shock to the system when you have a bad night!

And of course lack of sleep has its own side effects…..

carbs

I woke up literally craving sugar, craving energy. If I could have eaten a bag of jelly babies for breakfast I would have. Lack of sleep is a killer on the diet front as you spend all day trying to recoup energy from somewhere. Be proud though, I stuck to a yoghurt and low cal cereal bar for breakfast – enough sugar to wake me up a bit, but not enough to stuff up the diet and certainly not as bad as a bag of jelly babies! The mid-afternoon sugar slump was the hardest and I allowed myself a biscuit and a handful of sweet/salty popcorn to pep me up a bit.

Understandably, lack of sleep affects the balance of hormones too and I woke up in the mother of bad moods!

bad mood

Obviously I wasn’t going to punch my kids in the face, but being tired did lead me to having a very VERY short fuse yesterday and as such I probably blew my top with them a little more than normal as I just didn’t have the patience for tricky behaviour – and there has been a LOT of that from my 4yr old lately!

My wise old mum – when listening to me moan – reminds me that in a few short years the kids will be teenagers and I will be having to drag their arses out of bed at 10am on a Saturday morning. Not likely! It will be them, waiting to get a lift into town/to meet their mates/to go to the cinema, desperately trying to drag ME out of my bed! And if there are mornings that for whatever reason I am awake early, I am going to bounce on the end of their bed like an over-excited toddler until they wake up – that’s karma kids!!!

Until then, there is only one thing to do…..

caffIV

5 Things I blame on “Jake and the Neverland Pirates”

J&NLP

Just in case you aren’t familiar with Disney Junior, the above picture depicts, from L-R, Skully, Izzy, Cubby and Jake.

I really am starting to dislike some children’s telly, and in particular at the moment, Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

Here are my current reasons why:

1. Gold Dubloons!

When Jake and his band of buddies complete a task they receive a number of gold dubloons. Now is it just me or does this say to kids “you will be financially rewarded for doing things”?! I have had more than a few occasions where I have had to explain to the kids that no, I wont give them 4 gold dubloons (£4 to you and I) just because they’ve put their plate in the kitchen or their rubbish in the bin!

2. Magical array of weapons/items (1) The Whirlyhook

I have labelled this as number one because this is a constant problem for me. I have picked the two most annoying and difficult ones for this list though. I totally get that cartoons are fantasy, but if you show key characters using certain weapons or items then it stands to reason that kids are going to want to own those items also. Disney bought out a range of “hooks” that could be attached to a plastic cuff type thing so a child could pretend to be Captain Hook. It featured a net hook, a plastic traditional hook, and a cannon type hook that fired little foam balls. Fantastic you think. Except they also have an episode with Captain Hook using a hook with a little propeller built into it to pull him up into the air, and THAT is the hook my 4yr old son wants. I have tried copious times to explain that they don’t make one, and even if they did make one it wouldn’t be strong enough to actually make him fly. The disappointment on his face was clear and then a little bit of the magic was gone. He still isn’t entirely convinced though and sometimes tells me I am only saying its not real because I am mean and wont buy him one!

3. Magical array of weapons/items (2) The Invisibility Ring

Well I’m sure I don’t need to explain what the invisibility ring is or does. As before my son wants one, and cannot understand why there would be something on tv that isn’t real and isn’t available to be bought for him.

4. J&NLP Talking Telescope

One of the most annoying toys my son has received to date. The “off” switch seems to have no bearing on the fact that the slightest creak of a floorboard can cause a loud “ahoy there matey” from Jake. Predictably this usually happens in the middle of the night and said telescope is buried at the bottom of the toybox at the very back of the huge pile of toys under my sons mid-sleeper bed.

5. The Valley of the Lost

It sounds a lot creepier than it really is. In one particular episode of J&NLP the characters head to the “Valley of the Lost” to look for Cubby’s map. My son is totally convinced that there is a Valley of the Lost in England and that is where all his old toys have gone. I’m not sure how to break it to him that our “Valley of the Lost” is otherwise known as “the bin” or “the bootfair”! He is currently suggesting that we take a trip there in half term to go and find the last 4 years worth of toys and games!

I love that kids tv is so imaginative, but it makes it very difficult when I have a child that wants to visit/use/have the non-existent products of this amazing imagination!!

WTG J-Lo!

Jennifer-Lopez-e-Iggy-Azalea-1

Jennifer Lopez – I salute you!

I read an article this week in which J-Lo hits back at critics who have slammed her saying that she is simply too old to be performing sexily and wearing skimpy outfits anymore. This main criticism comes from her performance with Iggy Azalea in the “Booty” video (watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxtIRArhVD4)

Now I have to admit, I don’t like the song. In fact I would go far as to say its bloody awful and there is no doubt that the video is predictably a lot of arse shaking and writing about. Not the best video, but BY GOD if I had a body like J-Lo I think I would walk around in my underwear 24/7. The lady is in her 40s and has had two children, and she is absolutely rocking it next to 24 year old Iggy, looking just as good if not better than her!

J-Lo hits back saying “I’m not allowed to be sexy because I’m a mom? How do you think I got my children?”. Woman’s got a point! She also thinks that she sends a positive message to women, that you shouldn’t worry about what people might say or think and let that stop you from doing what you want. Admittedly many of us would kill to have a figure like hers, hell I am more than a decade younger than her and can only dream of achieving a body like that, but the message is clear. Don’t let being a mum stop you. Don’t let your age stop you.

So I say good on you J-lo, keep doing your thing!